A Message for My Friends

Introduction:

I probably shouldn’t have left the way I did. Hopefully, you’ll find this. First off, I want everyone to know I am OK, and I am safe.

(I love how this is trying to tell me, “OK” isn’t the correct spelling. It is, and somehow it has been widely misunderstood that it isn’t. I’ll leave a link explaining that at the end.)

Things I plan on addressing here:

  1. Why I left all of the sudden and didn’t say so before
  2. What my plan is
  3. How much I appreciate everyone

Why I Left:

Life has not been very cash money to me in awhile. I know you all are completely unaware of that of course.

(Before anyone questions it, yes this is a sarcasm.)

I have been doing a lot better, however while working on myself I have had difficulty with reacting to my anxiety and emotional upheavals, rather than responding. I am so worried about overwhelming or hurting others with this that I essentially create my own self-fulfilling prophecy. Then it continues to snowball. Due to my fear of failure, lack of certainty with maintaining basic needs, and imposter syndrome this has started to become very overwhelming. I have had difficulty trusting my own judgement. Which in turn effects my ability to trust others. I didn’t want this to continue snowballing, and in order to combat it I needed to cut everyone off for awhile. I don’t like how I approached this, however what is done is already done. I can learn from that in order to change future responses. I’m sorry if this worried or confused anyone. I don’t plan on staying disconnected forever. Just for now. I will find a way to contact all of you again in the future, and I hope to build bridges again. I’m going to see how this goes, and then start doing that in January 2022.

My Plan:

I am planning on going back to school and working. Currently, I’m not quite sure what I am going to school for yet. However., I have somewhat of an idea. I am not sharing this right now though because the expectation is a bit much for me to handle right now. I have managed to figure out the key to me combating my procrastination and staying organized. It is simply managing my emotions, and not distracting myself with other things instead. I’m meeting new people, but not getting too close to anyone for now because of lack of emotional stability within myself. I want to have more tools to maintain independence. Such as the ability to drive and a vehicle to do so. Stable finances would be pretty nice too. I’m going to keep everyone posted with new lessons, adventures, and experiences through this blog. Heck, maybe I’ll even leave some cool puzzles behind or something in the real world. That would be pretty cash money. I’ll find a way to try and connect with everyone again in January 2022.

How Much You All Are Appreciated:

A fucking ton! The last few years have been absolute hell in some aspects. Despite all of that, you all have been amazing friends. (If one of you in your head right now is saying, “but I didn’t do this thing” or “I really wasn’t” know that I am imagining punching you through the screen.)

This situation is absolutely insane. It is an extremely seemingly hopeless one on paper with a sprinkle of disabilities, severe childhood trauma, and mental health issues to top it off. All wrapped up in a, “Not societies problem, that’s a personal problem.” bow. Spice it up with an identity crisis, some autism, and add a pinch of gender being a spook, and wallah! Look at that, it’s Disaster Soup! Hooray!! I’ve never been someone to look at a problem and go, “Well guess I’m just going to have to accept it.” No, I’m a stubborn, cunning bitch who feeds on smiting and dismantling bullshit. I almost did give up last year, I forgot who I was. I remember now. The Celtic meaning of Tristan is tumult; outcry. I think it applies. It’s difficult enough for me to handle and have answers for. I don’t expect anyone else to.

You all have been extremely good to me! You’ve shown me I’m not crazy, I am strong, I can trust other people with reason, there are people who love me, that I am allowed to take up space, I can draw boundaries, and that I can ask for and accept help. Those lessons are extremely important and very meaningful. I can not begin to express how much you all mean to me, and I know that I am never alone. Which used to scare the shit out of me. Though now I’ve come to accept it, and I’m glad that is the case. Thank you for all being you!

(Ew, that’s so cliche. Oh, well I guess it is true.)

Here’s the link to why I prefer OK: https://www.grammarly.com/blog/ok-okay/